My Knowledge of the Wild West, or any West, is Restricted to Blockbuster Movies and Runways.

And so because I thought the course would pretty much entail watching the movie and perhaps answering a few trivial trivia questions I ended up in a “Film and Culture” class.

This was a good idea, because the movies are actually phenomenal.

This was a bad idea because my professor pretty much talks through each one of them… incessantly.

The most recent  film we watched was 3:10 to Yuma.

I was instructed to take note of the presentation of Good Vs. Evil as represented through the yata, yata something something boresville.

Honestly, I spent the entire movie making notes about the wardrobe. Which I loved. Seriously. Every Outfit. No exceptions

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The leathers, the metals, the chambray. Clothes that were intended to move around in. Clothes that weren’t meant to be pretty. Clothes that were made to last and clothes that made a lasting impression.

The clothes are so quintessentially masculine. Nothing is intended to be soft. I love that.

The Wild West understood menswear.

And in typical Michael T. fashion, I made a long list of pieces I need to try and find before winter and, unfortunately,  I did not write one page of an essay that may or may not be due tomorrow.

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The Breakdown:

1- If I did so happen to be a character living in the Wild West, I would most certainly be a villain. I always prefer the villains. Good guys doing right because it’s the right thing to do is so corny to me. One guy able to shake fear in a entire community of people, I like that. I’m sick. Either way, Bad guys wear black. Remind me to include that bit of logic in my essay. The only exception I can think of is ‘Men in Black’ but I dislike every one of those movies…so it technically doesn’t count.

Solid black, structural, well-tailored, Epauletts (the military looking thing on the shoulder of the jacket). Every Western villain needs a jacket that says, ‘You see this? I run this” Mine would be this one from Banana Republic. I think it’s something close to $400. Being a Western villain isn’t cheap.

2- It’s not a western until there’s a cowboy hat. I want to invest in a legitimate one, but I want to make the investment when it’s the ironic thing to do. I have some hipster tendencies I just can’t manage to shake. Since I attend and HBCU where the object of affection is Iphone 5c (please tell me the only difference isn’t that it comes in color. That has got to be the biggest racketeering scam in history…cute commercial though.) and $400 tennis shoes, I can saying shoveling out money for a cowboy hat would be quite ironic.  Sometimes I picture me and my large cowboy hat traveling the streets of Chelsea near the place Andy Warhol shot the film Chelsea Girls. Hmm. actually, the entire thing might be a bit Bob Dylan. I’ll revise the idea, but I’m getting a cowboy hat.

3- The leather duffel bag. If I was an article of clothing and/or accessory, I’d probably be a leather duffel bag. I have no premise to justify my conclusion. I just love leather and duffle bags, and this allows me to combine both worlds into one magical accessory. Plus, when you’re a western villian, I imagine you have a lot of carry-alls. Weaponry. Money from bank robberies. Rope to tie women to train tracks. You’ve gotta be prepared.

4- being a Western Villain means having a horse. Having a horse means having to ride a horse, I imagine having to hold that rope thingy would dry out your hands. You simply can’t be an effective western Villain with dry hands. Keep them covered with leather gloves. I think Black gloves overdoes the whole bad-guy thing, so my pair would purposely offset the rest of my outfit in a butterscotch brown. If I can’t be the quickest sharp-shooter, I’d like to at least be the sharpest.

5- Cowboy boots are so EXPECTED. This pair from Aldo is a bit contrived, but I think it covers the general idea. Leather (Honestly, i think this boot is textile. which means ‘not leather‘ which means ‘I’m not buying it‘. Also, Urban Outfitters keeps trying it with these ‘Vegan Leather’ Pieces. I’m not dumb. You’re too cheap to use real leather and you STILL think you’re going to get $500 out of me for a jacket. Please. You’re not Anthropologie. well..actually..you are..but. Okay Whatever you get it.)

6- This particular piece is a ring designed by Giles and Brother (…some time ago if I’m not mistaken). Jewelry designer, Philip Crangi is among one of my personal design heroes. And this piece is a railroad spike embossed and curved into the shape of a ring. I think the idea is genius, and I think a western outfit is the most acceptable time to wear it, since the West is often associated with the expansion of the U.S. Continental railroad. If  you care about fashion, I bet you care nothing about the trans-continental railroad. And if you care about the railroad you probably aren’t very interested in this entire rant of a website. In such case, sorry.

7- Villains run on time. This watch has a steam-punk vibe that I think goes with the entire westernized-look. Which makes the entire look more modern. My point is you should buy me this watch.

8- Villains sometimes wear corrective lenses. If I was a villain, i wouldn’t be one of those reckless gun-slinging ones.  I’d be calculated, and polite, and prior to pulling the trigger of my pistol I’d recite a bit of poetry. Hmm. Perhaps I’m thinking of Dr. King Shultz of Django Unchained. But then I would have to think of Django, and Spike Lee would really prefer I didn’t,  so I won’t. Unrelated, recently I ran into a woman who resembled Mrs. Minnie (as in “Minnie Don’t Burn No Chicken”) from the The Help. I SWEAR she looked JUST LIKE Mrs. Minnie. When I pointed it out to a friend, she said my remark was insensitive as well as inaccurate. Perhaps this all could have been avoided if I was wearing corrective lenses.

9- I think cases and notebooks are just as valuable as the shoes on your feet. Small details that make HUGE differences. The wood paneling on the holster of a pistol, much like the wood paneling on my iPad case. I suppose that would require me to invest in an Apple product…and I wont.  Not with that aggravating Siri. You mean to tell me in a world where I’m attempting to remove myself from speaking to anyone, I can pay to not be able to escape the opinion of someone who DOESN’T EVEN EXIST!??? Ah. no. I think I’ll save my $699 and then almost $100 additional dollars a month. Apple, perhaps I should buy you a cowboy hat and sleek wool coat, because evidently you go around robbing innocent people.

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