A Minute-By-Minute Explanation of Me Not Slapping a Trick

This morning was as follows:

8:15- Wake up to a T25 informercial. Incase you don’t know what that is:

t25

I immediately start to become frustrated with my body.

8:25 I can’t find my usual brown moleskine notebook. I am now frustrated at my brain in addition to my body.

8:45- I leave my dorm in the midst of a Brazilian bum bum informercial promising to give me a tighter and more lifted butt in at least two weeks. I’m tempted to at least write down the number.

8:52- I return to dorm. I almost forgot my rhetorical analysis of a super insensitive essay defending sweatshop labor. I’m pretty convinced my analysis will mark the end of such an awful practice. However, I thought my last analysis of violence in video games would at the very least STALL the release of Grand Theft Auto V. Needless to say, it didn’t.

9:17- Breakfast. The smoothie line is abundant with people who I doubt will even appreciate a good smoothie right now.

9:19- As fate would have it, I run into a friend, she’s carrying a purse I recommended close to a year ago. I love that it still looks great. She does too, I suppose. We had a discussion about managing time effectively and focusing on what it is we’re passionate about as means of staying focused. I usually require coffee before having an actual conversation, but I make an exception, and honestly, It was the most stimulating conversation I’ve had in the least two weeks.

9:30- Im running late to class. I’m having a stimulating monologue consisting mostly of swear words.

9:37 I don’t know what is occurring in this class. Not because I’m late, but because this professor has an accent reminiscent of Rafiki from The Lion King. I write what I think I might hear him saying, and I’ll attempt to make sense of it later.

9:42- I think he just said ‘Playaboy Shirt’? okay. whatever. write it down.

9:50 – The guy sitting behind me dropped his pencil. Since I’m sitting closest to it, I logically, and philanthropically pick it up.  He did not say ‘Thank You’ when I handed it back to him. I feel tempted to take the pencil and toss it across the room, just to make a point.

9:55 I blame today’s irritability on the fact that I’m running on four hours of sleep.

10:12- The professor refers to me by first and last name. I love when professors do that.

10:35- Back at my dorm, because I forgot a stack of short stories written by other students that I corrected with extensive notes on improvement. Turns out the entire stack of papers was in my backpack the entire time. I’m exhausted.

10:44- I make an executive decision to nix today’s denim jacket. I think people get too excited at the start of fall. 70 degrees is not a feasible excuse to bust out your over-the-knee boots. chill out. literally. figuratively. whatever.

10:47- Two people getting off an elevator claim to be sick. I make an executive decision to take the stairs instead.

11:55- I crack down, and buy a 5-hour energy shot (I really want to see if they’ll sponser me….like seriously) I also purchase a pretentious looking ‘lightly carbonated’ soda claiming to give me energy and help me focus. It’s 3.50 for eight ounces. I know a bargain when I see one.

12:04 Running late to creative writing class. Which oddly enough is early when observed in the relative state that half the class still hasn’t arrive. I’m not right, but I’m righter than everyone else.

12:23 Actively engaged in critiquing classmates short stories. The group consists of four of us. I think the guy to the right of me is high. He’s laughing at everything I say. Everything I’m saying is not funny.

12:34- The guy next to me just pulled out snacks from what looks to be a ziploc bad. He offered me a chips-a-hoy cookie. I politely declined. There’s a snickers in my bag waiting to be made love to. I will one day apologize to my body for the garbage I’ve put in it.

12:47-On the way to my next class I spot a gentleman. His necktie is improperly tied. I’m on my way to an ethics class. I decide if it’s ethical to kindly pull him to the side, properly tie his tie and make my way to class. Like a little sartorial guardian angel with a web blog.

12:50- A group of white people are standing outside the cafeteria preaching a gospel of damnation. They’re holding large wooden crosses, large enough to crucify a toddler. I go to a historically Black University, an the whole thing kinda looks like a Ku Klux Klan rally. Always know your audience.

1:00- Ethics class. The class feels like i’m baby-sitting a six year old that won’t stop asking questions I just don’t have answers to. Why is that okay? What if this happened instead? How come? Who says? I want an A in the class, but not THAT badly.

1:07- one of my favorite classmates just walked into class. I don’t know her by name, but I know that she always looks like a bucket of hot water was poured on her right before entering the room. I think it’s funny.

1:17- The girl sitting behind me just asked the SAME question I asked last class. She is praised as a genius thinker. When I asked, the professor shut it down publicly.

1:25 We’re examining the eskimo culture. Supposedly they leave their elderly out in the cold when they become too difficult to care for. People widely agree this is not a morally correct practice. I think we do the same thing when we put old people in a home. I’m blatantly curious if the professor find our culture morally correct if we ‘agreed’ that their practice is morally wrong? He dances around a response. It frustrates me.

1:37 We are seriously watching a part of a documentary regarding villagers in the amazon nursing baby monkeys from their own breasts. I’m done.

1:45: I’m done with class for the day. I’ve killed not one person. I feel like since the start of the day, I’ve felt tempted to smack almost everyone with a bat. But I fought the temptation. I’m morally correct. I better get an A in that class.

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