Step 1: Have Insanely Perfect Hair…

Let me first say, that I do actually like Lauren Conrad. I met her at a book signing and she called me cute. I tell that story almost every opportunity I get. It’s my backup story for when moments of my life become dull or severely awkward. When someone asks ‘If I’ve ever met a famous person” i inhale, and lead of with my story of meeting lauren conrad.

By the end of the story, whoever I’m talking to, either has no idea who Lauren Conrad is or they were expecting me to mention someone actually famous….whatever. Fame is relative and I happen to really treasure that moment.

What I do not like is pretty much everything Lauren Conrad has done since leaving The Hills. I read her novels oftentimes just to laugh at her lack of understanding of subject verb agreements,  and I keep up with just about every video and style guide, I can so that I can spot inconsistencies, bringing me to today’s gem….to which I have included second by second annotations of the entire video.

 

00:4- 00:6- okay…..Lauren…What’s with the change of cameras? Are you going to teach me how to make a fishtail braid…or are you going to stare quirkily into every camera in the room?

00:13- 00:18- just look at the dedication as she brushes her hair. The intensity. The multi-camera views. I think this video will probably be at least a nominee for an academy award, if it doesn’t just straight up win.

00:40- Lauren. Chill. It’s just hair. Smile. You’re wealthy from doing….really, nothing.

00:41- 00:45…..Lauren. That’s a simple braid. Laura Ingalls could have done that. Why did you have to make that sound so complicated? That’s probably why all those problems started on the Hills. Had you just said what you meant, and meant what you said, Kristen would not be on a one way flight to Europe. Enzo would have parents, and Speidi (are they still a thing?) wouldn’t be crazy.

You did this, Lauren Conrad. Take responsibility.

00:58- 1:28- alright…this braiding montage is really a bit lengthy LC….I think we get it…Is Kristen going to show up and cause trouble or not? And will you be back for the second half of this video? Or will you quit halfway through and make me watch a bunch of people I cared nothing about for an entire season, while everyone goes downhill and Whitney does an awful spin-off in New York…although, honestly, I’m convinced it’s a Hollywood set made to look like New York.

1:30- If you get NOTHING else, please. Write down this quote. Get a pen. I’m not moving forward until you get a pen. Do you have a pen yet. Go Get a freaking pen.

“It’s important not to over think a fishtail braid.”

…Lauren. It’s the end of the year. I’ve got exams. Bombs are going off in populated cities, each day a new suspect is being found, a limousine crashed and a bride died, but the driver didn’t. Some people stashed away for the last ten years were miraculously discovered, I’m trying to pay rent.

I assure you. Your fishtail braid is not on the forefront of my worries.

“…Once you cross a piece over, let it go and just focus on the next piece.”

Yo. That’s deep.

You think she’s talking about hair…Lauren is talking about LIFE.

You can’t move forward worrying about pieces of Brody Jenner your fishtail braid. Cross over and move on. I felt that. Lauren Conrad. I really don’t have hair to put in a fishtail braid, but i’m quite certain that this video is actually an analogy for life itself. I felt that.

1:36- 2:05…yay….Another braiding montage. Speaking of montage, which kinda sounds like Montag…which is Heidi’s last name, lets take this long moment to view some pictures of her and contemplate if maybe surgery was a good idea.

alg-heidi-montag-beach-jpg heidi montag and plastic surgery Heidi_Montag_plastic_surgery_before_after heidi-montag-ipad-wallpaper-500x500HEIDI-MONTAG-PLASTIC-SURGERY-PHOTOS heidi-montag

hmmmmm. maybe not.

2:06- and now in the most long-winded way possible, she explains that you have to cut off the elastic piece you originally put in your hair. Carefully….as if you would perhaps otherwise do it sporadically

And voila….fishtail braid. Told from the perspective of Lauren Conrad….

THE END.

p.s. check the credits, supposedly, her hair was done by a woman named Kristen Ess, even though we all just witnessed Lauren do it in this video….

so wait…Lauren didn’t do her hair?

Was this video real…or was it staged?

Why do I find myself asking this at the end of EVERYTHING Lauren Conrad does.

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