The Colors I’ll be wearing for spring….and Pretty Much Any Other Time.

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While you’re updating your Pinterest and falling victim to whatever gets released at ForeverXXI, I will be sticking to my foolproof method. Basics with an emphasis on quality.

No beaded, no sequin, no asymmetrical, no splatter paints, no neon’s, no shift, no A-line, no streamlines, I will be having none of it.

Once again, I will rack up on well produced pieces containing no poly-blends. And while you’re attempting to decipher the Korean instructions on the care label, I will carelessly throw my jeans in the washing machine to save on time and money, and you know what?

Everything will be alright.

Because that’s what happens when you buy quality.

Don’t you remember that word? Quality. We used it before Charlotte Russe pretty much became a super-power. Seriously. I’m pretty sure they would glue their seams together if it saved them 4 cents on the dollar.

I don’t have time to buy things over and over again because it didn’t hold up the first time. I don’t have time to listen to stories about the god-awful stuff you purchased at these otherwise awful places.

At this point, I can tell when a woman has purchased heels from one of those fashion-forward and particularly innovative retailers. The course of their day is represented in the graph I have created below.

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1- She’s thrilled about her purchase. This is obvious because she has instagrammed it almost eight billion times. maybe 2 or 3 likes later, she proceeds with her day in her new purchase.

2- She feels like Sarah Jessica Parker. I certainly haven’t watched the ‘Sex and the City’ series in its entirety, but I can not ever recall a single episode  where Carrie Bradshaw stepped foot inside a ForeverXXI or Charlotte Russe to purchase color block faux suede pumps. Perhaps at this level of the day the wearer has been given a few compliments,  most of which out of obligation. I hate when people stand around and wait for a compliment. I get it. You cut your hair. I didn’t compliment it because I didn’t think it was nice, not because I’m oblivious.

3- The honeymoon phase is over, and the left heel feels wobbly. She has to put most of her weight on the pinky toenail of her left foot to walk properly. She’s convinced she still looks cute, but pretty much everyone around her can tell she’s in abject pain. She certainly fails to reference this moment in later instagram updates.

4- Eventually she admits that she might be experiencing a little bit of discomfort. Everyone can tell. Her heel is bleeding borderline profusely, and most people around her are nervous that she might pass out from the excessive blood loss. But whatever. Keep trying to parade around. Perhaps in the future she will realize that 2 pairs for $7 isn’t a sale. It’s a prison sentence.

5- Finally, she’s given up being cute. Honestly, she probably wasn’t that cute to begin with. She’s waddling to every location and biting her bottom lip between point A and point B. Perhaps the pain of gnawing at her lip will help her focus less on the pain her physical heels are experiencing, which look as if they’ve undergone a harsh interrogation at Guantanamo. At this stage she’s gone from uncomfortable to just plain unreasonable. She complains to all of her male friends convincing us that ‘we’re lucky we’re men’ this is problematic, because men didn’t get together and tell her to buy that specific pair of shoes. She did that to herself. Yes. We will give you childbirth and menstrual cramps. I couldn’t imagine how difficult that concept is. Heels? No. I’m sorry. That’s not my fault.

6- She’s changed into the nearest pair of shoes she can find. This pair might not be her size. They might honestly be intended for hospital patients. But she doesn’t care. So long as she’s not wearing those forsaken heels. The heels she couldn’t have lived without and bragged about via online social media are now stuffed in her purse. If the purse wasn’t big enough to hold the shoes, then she will probably just throw them away. As she should have done shortly after purchasing them in the first place.

7- She look absolutely ridiculous, but she’s comfortable. People around her are tweeting about her. She ends up on one of those ‘People of Walmart’ blogs. The people who are closest to her have all created reasons why they can’t be seen with her publically at least until she puts on feasible shoes.

All because she made a decision to save a little bit of money.

 

 

 

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